Reflections on how God has been with me during my life from the earliest days when as a child coloring a picture of the Virgin Mary in her glory. Hearing my name called out loud and me racing to the other side of the house to see my mother who informed me that she had not called me. Me returning to my room to continue coloring in the coloring book and again hearing my name called and again racing to my mother and she again saying she had not called me. Later in life after being born again and reading the story of Samuel in 1 Samuel 3. A story of Samuel hearing his name and Samuel running to Eli a prophet in Israel and Eli after numerous occasions informed Samuel that the next time he heard his name called to respond " And the Lord came and stood, and called as at other times, "Samuel, Samuel." Then Samuel answered , "Speak, for Thy servant heareth." I used to wonder what my life would have been like if my mother had had a relationship with God or even had read the bible.
Today at the age of 67 I can look back and see how God was in my life even when I had no idea of His existence or His concern for me. There are many instances where I felt the tug on my heart to seek out God, once after moving to Fort Worth Tx., with my family in the late 60s that I saw a tent meeting and heard the singing and felt a great tug to go down to see what was happening but was drawn away by a friend I was with.
As I reflect I can see why after I was married and later found out I had a low sperm count and couldn't produce children did I understand that God was at work in this too. After learning from a revelation by God that my mother had molested me during my childhood did I realise that He was cutting off the traits bestowed upon me from my mother because of her molestation of me. After having dreams of being molested in the crib as a baby and later in my childhood did these times became disturbing to me. As I conferred with my pastor about this he knew I was going home to visit and suggested I ask " was I sexually active in my childhood", to not only my mother but father and brother.
When during the trip home with my father-in-law on his 40' motor home with my wife which his wife insisted that we take, after I had learned that she had lied to my wife and I about Ralph my wife's father was dying of emphysema and only had 2 yrs to live, but insisted that we not discuss with him.
One time when in a motor home park Ralph was in the next coach with a single woman and my wife at the time suddenly wanted to have intercourse. I had a suspicion that something about this occasion was not right I refused, later after returning to Tustin, Ca., after the trip and riding in the back seat of the car with Ralph driving and my wife in the passenger seat, she reached over with her left hand and placed it upon Ralph's right thigh, something I had seen my dad do to my mother. Shocked I said nothing because to me this was a sign that something inappropriate had happened between my wife and her dad. No time ever had I witnessed this type of behaviour between a father and daughter.
This is the first time I've shared this. Reflecting on her relatives I suspected that incest was a unspoken action in this family. These actions and the answer to my question "was I sexually active in my childhood" was answered by my mother when she said "your father isn't like that" and two other statements which I forgot. With this information I was later able to forgive her, considering that she too had probably been molested in her youth.
Learning to forgive is the best one can do for them selves in that forgiveness removes the burden of hate, revenge, loathing of a person and enables God to forgive me. As stated in the "Our Father prayer, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors", until we forgive and only then can we receive freedom and God's forgiveness. This is a key factor in my life instilled by and through reading the Bible.
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